Natawurly, proprietress of the CurlyWurlyGurly blog, has issued a challenge to her regular readers. Come to think of it, I guess it’s open to her irregular readers too, which means that I’m obligated to participate. This from the woman who precociously in grade school informed the teacher that “I [didn’t] have my homework because the dog ate my conscience.” (Fifth grade, I kid you not.) In a nutshell (preferably a filbert loaded with nutella), the challenge is thus:
“The WORST candy in the history of mankind has to be ______ .”
I won’t lie. I thought about alternate, “clever” ways to subvert the challenge. I thought of the 1968 movie Candy adapted from Terry Southern’s novel; it was a flop even though its pedigree was enviable (inspired by Volatire’s Candide, screenplay by Buck Henry, starring Marlon Brando, Walter Matthau, John Astin (Gomez Addams, swoon), John Huston, James Coburn, Ringo Starr, Charles Aznavour, Richard Burton, and, uhm, former Miss Teen Sweden Ewa Aulin). Despite its flopdom, it was nowhere close to being the worst anything in the history of anything. I thought of Dutch smooth-jazz saxophone goddess Candy Dulfer. I thought of Andy-Warhol’s-Factory-Regular Candy Darling. I thought of CNN correspondent Candy Crowley. And many others. Whatever their flaws, none are so horribly afflicted so as to be even remotely considered to be the worst anything in the history of mankind. So I was doomed to play it straight.
Another blogger immediately responded with circus peanuts, which might have been my choice were it not for the fact that circus peanuts are completely inedible and not fit for consumption, human or otherwise. Ha! They are obviously not candy but some bizarre souveneirs that someone decided are supposed to be eaten. The great P.T. Barnum, circusman extraordinaire, did say that “there’s a sucker born every minute.” My theory is that circus peanuts are designer packing peanuts.
A popular choice (so far) among respondents is licorice. Beg pardon, but licorice is great. Black licorice. Not this Twizzler red/cherry/strawberry/watermelon abomination, but traditional black licorice. We don’t have to go as far as sucking on actual licorice root, but even that isn’t so bad, truth be told. I also like anise and fennel. That said, there is a certain variety of licorice (or liquorice) that I find truly abhorrent: salmiakki.
Salmiakki is also known as “salt licorice” or “double-salt licorice” and is popular in Scandinavian and Baltic countries. Imagine licorice candy with less sugar and an insane amount of salt. But this isn’t even regular salt (NaCl). It’s ammonium chloride, NH4Cl, which still tastes “salty” but nonetheless different than the sodium chloride table salt we’re used to.
Did I mention that they use something called “carbon black” as a coloring agent? >shudder<
Salt licorice, however is not the worst candy in the history of mankind. Another contender, still not the winner, mind you, is the blue M&M.
“What could be so dreadful about the blue M&M,” you ask?
I’m glad you asked.
“Why,” you ask?
“Because I’ll tell you,” I answer.
Of course, blue M&Ms taste no different from their other-hued siblings, but as documented by me and others elsewhere, the blue M&M by popular vote in 1995 replaced the tan M&M. The only thing that saves the blue M&M from being the WCITHOM is that it was preordained by the Martian powers-that-be that the tan M&M was going to be replaced anyway. It could just as easily have been either of the other candidates, pink or purple. Even though the other potential infractors’ defense is kind of flimsy, I just can’t bring myself to castigate the blue M&M to worst-candy-ever status. It still tastes good, after all. Maybe it can be honorary most evil candy ever.
So, after all this exegesis, what, what is my choice for worst candy in the history of mankind? I humbly offer the Mary Jane candy.
Where, oh where, to begin? Let’s start at the surface. The wrapper. The Mary Jane wrapper is not a wonderful, nostalgic design artifact from days of yore. It is ugly and has always been ugly, from the color combination to the typeface to the illustration. It’s flat-out piss-poor from stem to stern. That the object tightly wrapped inside is often dinged or otherwise misshapen doesn’t help matters. Originated in 1914, the Mary Jane candy predates the term “mary jane” as slang for marijuana (1918, from mariguan (1894, in turn from marihuana, origin uncertain)) and, although disgusting, is not hemp-flavored. In fact this particular confection is supposedly “a peanut butter and molasses flavored taffy-type candy with peanut butter in the center.” Right.
As far as I can tell, the Mary Jane candy was created for no other purpose than to keep dentists in business. If you have no cavities, these babies will assuredly oblige you with some chasmic bliss lickety-split. If you do have cavities and they’ve been attended to by a dentist, then it is without a doubt that Mary Janes will extract those fillings faster than you can say “Ow, ow, OWWWW!”
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 6:24 pm
I think your Mary Jane is a cousin to my Halloween Kiss posted about here
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 8:29 pm
Oh I concur — those Halloween turds and the Mary Janes are kissing cousins all the way.
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 8:29 pm
EXCELLENT POST Panny Babe!! Truly exceptional. Great research. Great writing. Great all around. Down w. nasty janes.
A+
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 9:19 pm
What’s with the grades? Are you running for Teacher’s Pet? Oh, thanks.
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 10:37 pm
Ding-Dong – WRONG! I was simply trying to be NICE. But NOW I will go away/
Good bye!
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 10:41 pm
Wahhhh.
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 11:39 pm
oh, for god’s sake. play nice, children! i really feel like i’m at school.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 1:29 pm
TEACHER — Panny’s picking on MEEEEE!! Make her STOPPPPP!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
03 Jun 2009 Wed at 11:45 pm
i LOVE mary jane wrappers and have even used them in craft projects–i have no idea how to imbed links in comments, so HERE: (newlinked by pannie).
i agree with you that mary janes are one of the worst candies of all time. i only know ONE person who eats them, and he married ME so we know we can’t trust his opinion!
i hate licorice and all things licorice flavored. licorice should just go away. and it should take circus peanuts with it.
your post is outstanding–truly a marvel! i love your images and your way with words. thank for playing along with the craziness and i’m glad you let my favorite jordan almonds out of this!
A+ to panny!!!
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 1:50 am
[…] Erica from Pannonica dishes on the evil that is the Mary Jane. […]
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 9:16 am
I should have known better than to drink my coffee while reading this post.
Tell ya what, no matter how gross circus peanuts and mary janes (which I actually like) are, few things come close to a coffee/vanilla creamer in the nostrils.
Oh, right, so, yeah, the coffee came out around the time I read about when I’d ask “What’s wrong with blue m&ms?”
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 9:51 am
I never even gave Mary Jane’s a chance (due in LARGE part to that fugly wrapper) so it is wonderful to know that my powers of observation and intuition were guiding me in the right direction! Go little me!!
“I [didn’t] have my homework because the dog ate my conscience.”
THAT IS SO AWESOME I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THE AWESOME THAT IS THIS AWESOME. YOU. GO. GIRL.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 10:50 am
The best part? I didn’t even have a dog.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 1:30 pm
Panny’s too cool for school.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 10:22 am
I like the MJ wrappers. The colors & everything. They’re cute! But that’s the only thing good about them. The candy itself is absolutely disgusting. I think I stuck one to a car seat as a kid. Sucker was like cement.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 10:51 am
Hey Dish-Dish, I’m sorry I called red Twizzlers “abominations” in the post. It was for dramatic counterpoint.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 1:30 pm
oh no problemo. candy just brings out the best and worst in people. kind of like booze.
xoxo
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 2:17 pm
Booze brings out just the best in me. Uh-huh.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 2:37 pm
isn’t it two-thirty in the afternoon? Not that there’s anything wrong with that; more for the “why aren’t you sharing?”
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 10:56 am
The aesthetics of MJ wrappers definitely are polarizing. Let me elaborate on how I feel about them. When told that they’ve been used in craft projects, the first image that pops into my mind is that, were they to be assembled into a lampshade, it would (I imagine) be eerily reminiscent of those lampshades allegedly made from human skin.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 1:31 pm
WHERE DO YOU COME UP W? THIS STUFFF????
SKINN????????
They remind me of bowling shoes.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 8:38 pm
you people need to find some hobbies. that’s all im saying.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 8:38 pm
I’M, i’m I’m…for the love of everything holy.
04 Jun 2009 Thu at 1:12 pm
I’ve never had a Mary Jane…I’ve always been to scared…they seemed so old timey that I just could bring myself to open up that wax papery wrapper and continue into forced consumption….I applaud you on your choice of worst candy! I enjoyed the read!
07 Jun 2009 Sun at 2:18 pm
She’s kinda cute though
07 Jun 2009 Sun at 8:35 pm
I’ve never heard of a Mary Jane candy. I think the wrapper is kind of kitschy. But then again, I possibly don’t have good taste.
07 Jun 2009 Sun at 8:55 pm
Trust me, the wrapper tastes just as bad as the candy inside.
09 Jun 2009 Tue at 4:46 am
Tried some purply yucky things that a friend brought back from turkey once, supposedly candy but I have my doubts. He gave me one to try,gag, gag, gag, they like nothing I had ever tasted before. So disgusting :(
10 Jun 2009 Wed at 4:08 pm
Turkish delight? I had the Brit candy Turkish Delite (sp?) recently and it was just plain GROSS.
12 Jun 2009 Fri at 6:34 pm
I think most of the candy Necco is responsible for is pretty gross. Necco wafers & the conversation hearts are like sweet chalk. I haven’t seen a Mary Jane in years; thought maybe they weren’t being made anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever tried one, but I remember one piece of candy in an ugly wrapped steering me away from all other ugly-wrapped candy for the rest of my life… it might’ve been a Mary Jane.
28 Nov 2011 Mon at 4:16 am
DUDE YOU ADULTS HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO IM 18 AND MARY JANE CANDY IS THE SHIT AMAZING WRAPPER AND WHO CARES ABOUT THE NAME ITS CANDY !!!! NO ONE TOLD YOU TO LIKE IT