These are, I do not jest, categorized by the Jimmy Dean company as “Flapsticks.” It’s just so many kinds of wrong.
I recently saw them recklessly unleashed in the wild —well, ensconced in the freezer section of a supermarket, but accessible by the general populace– and, after fainting into the side of the glass door (and picking my jaw up off the ground) knew I had to blog about them.
I quick spin of the dub-dub-dub revealed that I am not the first to notice these diabolicals. However, most who have been doing comestible recon for the rest of us go too far. The dozens who have done so all seem to have lunged for Jimmy D’s jugular and showcased the New! Chocolate Chip flavor* of this… erm… ad hoc breakfast item. I mean, honestly, that’s like shooting monkeys in a barrel. Isn’t the Original flavor upsetting enough? Did I mention that it also comes in Blueberry and mini, stickless versions of the same flavors?
I understand that there are many, many items, especially food items, from other countries which are equally if not more horrific, but it takes genius, evil genius, to create something so scary out of familiar and usually comforting items.
Bonus multimedia tie-in:
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“Hot Cakes and Sausage” • Ernie Kovacs with the Tony DeSimone Trio (ca. 1952) from The Ernie Kovacs Record Collection, ©1997 Varese Sarabande |
*Curiously absent from the official Jimmy Dean website (click image above for nutrition information and other details). I would also like to point out that the 4-pack of frozen sausage-on-a-stick contains 12 71g servings while the 10-pack contains only 18 71g servings; I must assume that the 10-pack contains smaller stuck sausages. More important, however, how is one ostensibly to obtain the proper size serving? I suppose it’s relatively easy to divide each of the four-packers into thirds, but that would leave two-thirds of the servings incoveniently without sticks. Divvying up the 10-packers is much more complicated; as best as I can figure, you’d have to lop off one-tenth of each and someone would be left with those ten tenths, sans stick of course, as the final serving. Yet another tick on the “wrong” tally.
p a n n a c e a e a e 
08 Jun 2009 Mon at 7:23 am
yummmmmm! those are our FAVORITE brekkie treats over here at chez cwg. seriously! you don’t even know the lip-smacking goodness of those little treasures! added bonus–you can eat them in the car or on the go!
ps. if you actually believe that i would let an atrocity like that pass the threshold of my lips into my mouth, you clearly haven’t been reading my blog for the last 18 months and don’t know me AT ALL.
we have some principles over here–we only eat pop-tarts.
08 Jun 2009 Mon at 8:53 am
What is it about sticks that add a level of horror to food?
Pancakes= good
Sausage= good
pancakes, sausage and a stick= terror
08 Jun 2009 Mon at 9:13 am
We saw those too but figured we’d never seen them before because this is the closest we’ve come to living in the ‘south’.
08 Jun 2009 Mon at 10:17 am
You are right. That is just all shades of wrong. They look like doggy treats.
09 Jun 2009 Tue at 10:51 am
How many calories are in the stick?
Enquiring minds want to know!
Things could get sticky when applying syrup.
10 Jun 2009 Wed at 4:12 pm
How the hell do you cook them???
10 Jun 2009 Wed at 5:00 pm
There’s a little “microwaveable” iconograph in the lower right of the package, which of course just adds to the general upset.
10 Jun 2009 Wed at 8:57 pm
could it get any worse?
Also, isn’t the term “flapstick” an oxymoron??
pannie sez: It’s an abomination.
22 Jun 2009 Mon at 4:31 am
They look like they should have icecream inside instead of sausage & be coated in chocolate