These are, I do not jest, categorized by the Jimmy Dean company as “Flapsticks.” It’s just so many kinds of wrong.

I recently saw them recklessly unleashed in the wild —well, ensconced in the freezer section of a supermarket, but accessible by the general populace– and, after fainting into the side of the glass door (and picking my jaw up off the ground) knew I had to blog about them.

I quick spin of the dub-dub-dub revealed that I am not the first to notice these diabolicals. However, most who have been doing comestible recon for the rest of us go too far. The dozens who have done so all seem to have lunged for Jimmy D’s jugular and showcased the New! Chocolate Chip flavor* of this… erm… ad hoc breakfast item. I mean, honestly, that’s like shooting monkeys in a barrel. Isn’t the Original flavor upsetting enough? Did I mention that it also comes in Blueberry and mini, stickless versions of the same flavors?

I understand that there are many, many items, especially food items, from other countries which are equally if not more horrific, but it takes genius, evil genius, to create something so scary out of familiar and usually comforting items.

Bonus multimedia tie-in:

ernie kovacs cd

“Hot Cakes and Sausage” • Ernie Kovacs with the Tony DeSimone Trio (ca. 1952)

from The Ernie Kovacs Record Collection, ©1997 Varese Sarabande

*Curiously absent from the official Jimmy Dean website (click image above for nutrition information and other details). I would also like to point out that the 4-pack of frozen sausage-on-a-stick contains 12 71g servings while the 10-pack contains only 18 71g servings; I must assume that the 10-pack contains smaller stuck sausages. More important, however, how is one ostensibly to obtain the proper size serving? I suppose it’s relatively easy to divide each of the four-packers into thirds, but that would leave two-thirds of the servings incoveniently without sticks. Divvying up the 10-packers is much more complicated; as best as I can figure, you’d have to lop off one-tenth of each and someone would be left with those ten tenths, sans stick of course, as the final serving. Yet another tick on the “wrong” tally.